It's Bigger Than Us

My daughter is bipolar - and an addict.

I generally don’t feel at liberty to discuss this openly, so I’m going to discuss it here - in cyberspace.  I plan to write about it and get it all out; therapy for me, and, perhaps, a morsel of enlightenment, or a sense of kinship, for another..  

Let me begin by stating that my daughter, Kayden, is, first and foremost, a very beautiful, creative, compassionate, and brave young woman.  And although I’ve written brave at the end of the list of adjectives that describe her, it is, by far, not the least of her attributes.  

Kayden is brave because, at nineteen, she is voluntarily getting on a plane early tomorrow morning and traveling to an unfamiliar state all by herself.  She is doing this for the second time in the last two months because she is trying to fight.  Fight an illness that is exacerbated by a powerful addiction that has threatened her life.  By getting on that plane, and checking herself into a recovery clinic, my daughter is being honest enough to admit that her addiction is still bigger than she is - and there isn't much that is braver than that.

My family would say that most of the fighting they’ve seen - until now - is that which regularly occurs in our household...sad, but true.  It seems all we ever do anymore is fight.  Mostly because I have voluntarily made Kayden's issues my personal vendetta for the last three years, and by doing so, have become addicted to her addiction.  I guess they call that “codependency”, and the powerful grip it has on me is something I cannot deny.  I continually try, with all my being, to control that which I ultimately cannot control - another person.  Even if that person is my child.  Yet knowing this truth, intellectually anyway, still hasn't kept me from trying.  I just can't seem to let it go because, frankly, I'm terrified.  Terrified that if I stop, I will lose my daughter forever.  And I may...

I sat at an outside cafe table not too long ago with a friend who lost her son to a heroine addiction.  And throughout the course of our conversation my friend felt compelled to tell me that, if my daughter does die, it is not my fault.  I’ve been working really hard at trying to believe that statement ever since she said it.  And, just like Kayden, I’m still working on it.  Because the truth is, as of today, it's still just bigger than me.